


of insecurities and breaking boundaries

by lafbaeyette



Series: finding their home [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 14:06:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6613549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lafbaeyette/pseuds/lafbaeyette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Actually,” Alex pushed at John’s shoulder, holding him under a concerned gaze. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without a shirt on. We’ve known each other for, like… half a year, dating for most of that - I’ve basically been living with you and Laf for the past two months and I have seen more of them than I have of you…” John sighed, but didn’t offer an explanation. Alex took his hand, tracing his knuckles with the pad of his thumb, “John, whatever it is, you can talk to me…”</p><p>-- </p><p>AKA, The One Where John Is Really Self-Conscious</p>
            </blockquote>





	of insecurities and breaking boundaries

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in my Finding Their Home 'verse (sometime between 'of swing sets and revelations' and 'of ice and snowmen'), but you don't need to have read any of those to read this. However, I would recommend checking them out if you like this. 
> 
> I've had this one stewing for a while, but a prompt on Tumblr actually helped get it out of me today. So, naturally, I then decided to transfer it over to AO3 to officially put it in the fth 'verse. Bless & Thanks to the Anon that prompted it. And I'm happy to finally be adding another piece to this 'verse, because I love this 'verse so much but hit a bit of a block with it.

John tipped his head back as Alex’s mouth moved further down his neck, hot, sucking kisses leaving his nerves tingling in their wake. He could listen to Alex talk for hours, but damn, did he enjoy learning what else his boyfriend could do with that talented mouth of his. His fingers threaded through Alex’s long, black locks as a moan slipped from his lips, and he felt one of Alex’s hands roaming teasingly over his clothed thigh, the other coming up to cradle the back of John’s head as he brought their lips back together. John was dizzy, Alex pressing down on him and all around him, all he could feel, smell, and taste, he felt like he was floating in an endless sea of _Alexander_. His ship crashed back into reality as he felt those teasing fingers move up and brush against his stomach, just under his shirt, panic surging through him as he grabbed Alex’s wrist, moving it down to his belt instead. Alex paused, pulling back just enough to look at John’s face clearly, still close enough that John could feel his breath hot against his cheek as he asked, “What’s wrong?” 

John swallowed, shaking his head, “Nothing.” He grabbed Alex’s face, pulling him down for a hard kiss, rolling his hips up against Alex’s body in an attempt to get Alex to just leave it. 

“No, no,” Alex pulled away again, this time moving out of John’s reach and sitting back on his heels, still watching John with a concerned look. “You do that every time.” 

“Do what?” John asked, maybe sounding a bit too defensive. He knew exactly what Alex was talking about, of course, but John did not want to have this conversation right now. Not when they only had a little more than an hour before Lafayette would be home, and there were much better things they could be doing with their time. 

“Anytime I try to touch you above the waist, you push me away,” Alex didn’t sound upset, merely confused more than anything. “It’s, like, completely backwards - we’ve been exclusively below the waist since we got together.” 

“Are you complaining?” John sat up, bringing himself closer to Alex, who still sat between his legs. He pressed a few teasing kisses along Alex’s jaw, “That’s where all the important things are.” Alex’s brows knit together, and not for the reason John was hoping. 

“Actually,” Alex pushed at John’s shoulder, holding him under a concerned gaze. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without a shirt on. We’ve known each other for, like… half a year, dating for most of that - I’ve basically been living with you and Laf for the past two months and I have seen more of _them_ than I have of you…” John sighed, but didn’t offer an explanation. Alex took his hand, tracing his knuckles with the pad of his thumb, “John, whatever it is, you can talk to me…” 

John tilted his head down, staring at the patterns on the couch cushion, and murmured something under his breath, so quietly that Alex could hardly make it out. Alex reached out with his other hand, lifting John’s chin until their eyes met and John swallowed thickly before repeating himself, “I just don’t like my upper body, okay? It’s - you’re not missing anything, just drop it, Alex.” 

“What do you mean?” Alex frowned, and hated the way John’s eyes darted away from his face. “John, you’ve been an athlete since you were in high school, and you go to the gym.. hell, more times than I so much as _think_ about the gym in a week. How-” 

“Jesus, fuck, do you not get what ‘drop it’ means, Alexander?” John spat, pulling himself away from Alex entirely and Alex winced. John didn’t mean to be that harsh, but just thinking about it made everything rush back - his father pushing him to train harder in middle school and high school, telling him he would never be good enough, pointing out anytime John put on so much as half a pound. John knew, logically, he was in great shape, he was in perfect health, there was nothing _wrong_ with his body so-to-speak - but he _hated_ it. He hated that he never felt like it was good enough. It was never good enough to push him through sports and impress his father, it was never good enough to handle the sting from a belt, and now he expected it to be good enough for his _Alexander_? Who deserved to feast his eyes upon nothing less than perfection, who - 

“John, can you please tell me what you’re thinking?” Alex broke the silence that had fallen over the room as John brewed in his own thoughts, and until Alex’s gentle touch was brushing across his cheek John hadn’t even realized he’d started crying. “You don’t have to be alone with this stuff anymore, that’s why I’m here.” 

“’s dumb,” John muttered, shaking his head a little. 

“Nothing about you is dumb,” Alex insisted. 

“I…” John stopped. Took a shaky breath, tried again, “I just don’t like my upper body, it’s… I… I’m self-conscious, I guess. My dad would always remind me that I was getting too fat to play soccer, that no one would want me if I didn’t keep myself in shape - I guess it just stuck, and I still don’t feel… good enough…” He trailed off, staring down at his hands in his lap. 

“Honey,” Alex started softly, running his hand over John’s curls. “First of all, fuck your father. I swear, I get a new reason to hate him every day.” Alex shook his head, pushing his anger toward the elder Laurens away for now and focusing instead on the man in front of him. “John, frankly, I wouldn’t give a shit if you stopped going to the gym, let yourself go, and what have you - your body isn’t what I love about you. Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate it and everything it can do, but ultimately it’s the gorgeous,” he moved closer to press a firm kiss to John’s cheek, “amazing, talented, brilliant man within that I’m in love with.” He emphasized each adjective with another kiss, moving further across John’s cheek until he reached his lips. 

John easily fell back into the kiss, quickly entranced by the feeling of Alex’s lips moving against his own. Any memories preceding the moment were forgotten, all of John’s focus back on Alex’s tongue sweeping into his mouth, kissing him deeply, and moving between his legs to press him back into the couch once more. “You’re beautiful, John,” Alex breathed, trailing his lips over John’s cheek. “You’re so handsome, and strong - _god_.” John rocked his hips against Alex’s thigh, already growing hard from a combination of the man’s words and his mouth moving over heated skin. He whined when Alex moved away, pulling his own shirt over his head before his fingers toyed with the hem of John’s shirt, questioning eyes meeting a worried gaze. “Even ground… Can I? I want to prove to you how wrong your father was.” 

John hesitated, terrified of what Alex might think, but took a deep breath and nodded despite himself. He couldn’t hide himself from Alex forever, as much as he may want, he might as well get the disappointment over with. Alex moved slowly, deliberately, as he pulled John’s shirt off and let it fall next to the couch with his own. He sat back to admire the man beneath him, drinking in every inch of John’s warm olive skin, stretching over clearly defined muscles, and Alex may not love John for his body, but his body was a very much appreciated addition to the package. 

John felt his stomach twist with nerves, eyes searching Alex’s face for any negative reaction. He resisted the urge to cover himself, let himself be splayed out beneath Alex, his skin jumping when Alex finally touched him, fingers tracing over his abs. Alex didn’t look disappointed, in fact, he looked all too pleased as he ran his hands over John’s body, and when he met John’s eyes he looked _hungry_. “You are the most gorgeous human being I have ever laid eyes on,” Alex said breathily. “ _Fuck_ , John.” He dropped his head down, pressing a kiss to the center of John’s chest. When John didn’t stop him, he continued, leaving a trail of wet kisses down John’s chest and over his stomach. Alex nipped and sucked along John’s stomach, making his skin crawl in the best way, his muscles jumping beneath Alex’s lips, his nerves _tingling_ , and John was too turned on to process the surprise that he enjoyed this so much. 

A low moan fell from John’s lips just as the door clicked, and Lafayette’s heavy sigh could be heard from the entry. “ _Mon dieu_ , could you at least try setting an alarm?” 

John scrambled to find his shirt before Lafayette sat their things down and walked into the living room, but Alex grabbed his hand as he got to his feet, pulling John up with him. “Sorry, Laf! How was your class? Great? Great! We’ll be in John’s room, bye!” Alex tugged John toward his bedroom, shutting the door behind them and pushing John toward the bed. 

“Alex, Laf is _home_ ,” John chuckled at his boyfriend’s persistence, already kissing along John’s collar bone as he panted out a response.

“Don’t care. You were way too into that to stop now. And you’re so fucking hot, John, I can’t believe you kept this to yourself all this time.” Alex ran his hand down John’s body again, nudging him down onto the bed. John did so with a laugh, cut off into a groan when Alex rolled their hips together and John was not the only one too into that to stop. 

John heard a huffy swear in French outside the door, followed shortly by the front door shutting again before he was lost to Alex’s touch once more. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you're wondering where I've been instead of writing for fth, I started another fic involving Single Father John Laurens + The Entire Hamilsquad Raising Frances, essentially. If that sounds like your thing, I encourage you to check it out. 
> 
> If it's not your cup of tea and you're dying for more fth, you should hit me up on Tumblr (@hypeulesnochilligan) and send me prompts/tell me what you wanna see! (Or just come be friends with me on Tumblr in general, I like friends, I like you, it's meant to be.) 
> 
> Either way, I hope you enjoyed this short addition. Your comments and kudos mean the world to me and I screenshot the sweetest ones so I can go back and cry later at how nice and cute y'all are. <3 
> 
> ~ Pip


End file.
